Thursday, September 10, 2009

Getting closer to the end...

of my maternity leave. ugh. i try not to think about it, but it manages to creep up in my head all the time and i get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and a lump in my throat. maybe if i get it out of my system, i might feel better. i know what you are all thinking...that i shouldn't think about it and enjoy my last couple of weeks with her. i hear ya, and i am. but that doesn't mean i haven't teared up at least once (okay 2 or 3 times) a day for the past week.

i have enjoyed every single minute i have gotten with this little girl one on one. i am so blessed to have been able to take this much time with her early on in her life. i am sick over leaving her. don't get me wrong, i know she will be in great hands. its not that. i will just miss her so much. how am i supposed to go all day long without seeing that little smile? i think about how i will miss so much of her day and all the little milestones she will hit. i worry about her in the first few days wondering where she is and if she wondering where i am. how i won't be there to swoop her up and love on her when she gets upset. i know this is crazy, but i worry that she will become less familiar with me...sort of forget that i am mama. i'll miss nursing her--being the sole provider of her nourishment. breastfeeding is something that has completely taken me by surprise. i had no idea how hard it would be in the beginning, but i also didn't know how absolutely wonderful it would become. it is an unexplainable bond between her and i. what a miracle that something my body produces is all she needs to be healthy and strong. (i plan to continue to try breastfeeding by pumping at work--wish me luck--i am hoping we can make it work) i don't know how i will ever get through that first day of work. i am dreading it. technically 2 weeks from tomorrow will be the first day she goes to daycare. we want to help her become acclimated. but what in the world will i do that day? i won't be back at work, yet everyone i know will be. any ideas to keep me busy that day would be appreciated!

not to be cheesy, but it is so true--you truly don't know how much you can love something until you have a child. my heart lives outside of my body now. i am curious to see how i will do my job now that i am a mom. every aspect of me has changed since having her. i feel like i will be a better teacher because of addy. i never dreamed i would be this torn up over going back to work. i am someone who LOVES my job and is very passionate about it. but the thought of leaving my little one hurts my heart.

i know it will all be okay. she is going to a wonderful daycare that will help her to blossom even more. however, i would appreciate good thoughts and prayers sent this way to help me not only get through this, but to also enjoy every minute i get to spend with her.


love my little angel.

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